The following words of wisdom are the ramblings of a female in the latter days of life, marriage, parenting, and the American Dream.

There’s a lot I don’t know. I admit it. The older I get, the less I worry about what I don’t know. Remember the old adage (adage is a short saying that transmits wisdom. [...]]]>  

The following words of wisdom are the ramblings of a female in the latter days of life, marriage, parenting, and the American Dream.

There’s a lot I don’t know. I admit it. The older I get, the less I worry about what I don’t know. Remember the old adage (adage is a short saying that transmits wisdom. Isn’t it Interesting how wisdom is always in “short sayings.” Guess that means talking too much isn’t wise…ahem, surely that’s not ME??)

Now, I forgot the old adage…oh, yeah, “;What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” I wouldn’t say I agree with that, Palin is a perfect example of being hurt by what she doesn’t know. I think some of what I didn’t know, hurt us too. Unfamiliar paths can be places where fools meet, tho’ maybe it’s only the fool who tarries too long.

In daily life, though I am always on a quest for knowledge, I’ve changed a lot. Now, I don’t have to “be the best” anymore. I’ve never been a competitive person with others, but I do take myself to task frequently, striving for better, more, quality not quantity. Like most of us, we probably beat ourselves up way too much. I’m more content to do the best I can, it’s enough.

There’s something comforting about getting older, another old adage “Too soon old, too late smart.” We don’t get do-overs, and while I understand we learn from our mistakes, I’d have to say there are some mistakes I wish I hadn’t made. I’ll name a few, but only a few, because living in the past makes you bottom out, yet it is the past that gives us wisdom.

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

Mistake #1: I wish I’d saved more money. Now, perhaps it’s considered odd or materialistic to name that first. So, let’s just say the mistakes are not in order of priority, but I do put a lot of priority on this goof. Spending unwisely affects every part of your life. It has lasting affects and interrupts your future. I just wish I had listened to my wise but miserly uncle, who I thought at the time was enormously selfish. He was, but he always had money. I guess because he never gave it away.

I like to think that I’m not rich in cash because God knew I’d help others, so I didn’t need that test. However, there is a slight possibility, ok maybe more than slight, that I’ll stand before the Great Judge one day and he’ll turn on the high tech video, that evil little recorder that never requires a new tape so they don’t miss a second of our lives, and it will show me the times when I was sitting right next to millions had I just made a wiser decision. I’m slow tempered but I think that will piss me off.

Mistake #2: I wish I had paid more attention to the “now.” I should have memorized every moment of my children’s cutesy life; it is too quickly gone. When they’re yellin’ in your face, or absent from your face, it would be nice to picture those sweeter moments completely. I was so busy caring for them, raising them, cooking dinner, moaning about one thing or another mentally, getting my degree, attending all the kids’ events, days blurring, that I think I missed a smile or two.

I tried hard to be a good parent. I know I couldn’t have loved them more. Then, or now.

Mistake #3, or not: Next, now sit back on this one, sometimes I regret having been a foster parent. Don’t hate me. Let me say now, that we had many good times, even hysterical ones, either because it was so good, or so bad.

Before we get to the hard part of it, here’s what I learned, and maybe it was the reason behind all that we have done. I’d like to say I’ve got a nice blueprint fresh from heaven, I know just where to turn at the next fork in the road, I’ve got it. God’s guiding. I’m the co-pilot, all that jazz. Well, if God was guiding, He sure as Hell took me down some God-awful roads. Hang on, here, I’m getting to the good part. That’s exactly what life is all about. I’ve learned something valuable, if I share with anyone nothing else, this is the most important concept. To understand it will get you through everything that’s coming.

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

WE ARE HERE TO LEARN AND FEEL MISERY, SO THAT WE MIGHT HAVE JOY. Misery is not part of heaven, so how can you learn it there??

To understand eternity, our purpose, the “why’s” of life, we have to experience it all. So, if you, OR ME, are spending our time whining about all the woes and there are many, and I have whined, and I hate the hellacious happenings of murder and lies and deceit and illness, we need to realize, this is not the Garden of Eden. If we gripe and we will, it’s natural, but if we let it all depress us, we are missing the point of our life. We are complaining about the very thing God is allowing to happen. He’s with us…but He won’t prevent all the misery. That’s not to say we don’t have a measure of control. We have choices, we make mistakes, we learn. I’ve had miracles happen in my life. And, I’ve had times when they didn’t. I don’t get to choose, and neither do you. I don’t pretend to command God, He does what He does, and I try to accept it, with faith that it’s all going to work out in the long run, as He promises.

Choices – Mistakes

We may know the general direction we need to go, but we never (seldom) know exactly what to do. Think about that. We just don’t, I don’t care how much you pray, consult with others, ask your friends, the preacher, the teacher, the dog or the doctor, you get no guarantees. If you do, then please share your formula, it’s not nice to keep it to yourself. I’ve had the solid feeling of “right” and it turned out to be wrong, or at least partially. Other times, I’ve had the solid feeling of “right” and it turned out well. What’s the difference?

If I knew, I’d write that book.

Miracles happen, I love them, don’t we all? Of course, the very nature of the miracle is that it’s unpredictable.

We’re not alone, I truly know that, even in our misery. We can find joy, and it comes with realization that stuff happens. Sieze the moment. My counsel with foster kids who just wanted their pain to go away, was “stop the blame, accept what happened, find the joy in today, hope reigns. You can live a happier life when you let go of blame and hate.”

Jumping into Foster Parenting, our goal of helping others made us feel good…and it brought my two youngest sons into our lives, the sweetest babies in the world. Of course it was worth it just for that…

Yet, I had no idea how much it would require from me, mentally, physically, professionally, and spiritually. Like a thief, always taking, robbing us. Foster parenting, though noble in theory, put us on a stage, we were bugs in a jar, on display for the state, our neighbors, abusive parents, real child molestors. Our time was often not our own, our laughter hollow, and stress was ever present, causing us to re-fill our emotional banks often, sometimes only depositing imagination. I wonder who we helped, most of the time, it seemed we made no difference for the future.

Maybe while I’m watching that video in heaven and hitting myself in the forehead with the “Wow, I cudda had a V-8″ moment, and as I touch those missing millions next to me, I’ll be visited by a child or family that will say, “thank you, you made a difference to me.” Just one will work, I’m not greedy.

During those years, we learned to pretend, yet that was not necessarily a negative. It was a huge coping skill. I tell my kids now, “You are feeling down? You hit your bottom? What would you do, if you weren’t flat on your ass? What would you feel like, if you weren’t feeling like you’re in the pit of Hell? Ok, then do that!” Pretending works, and at a certain level, it kicks misery’s butt.

Does life have to be perfect or everything in order, before we can have joy? If so, re-think. If my life is any indication, if I’m even close to “normal” we’re all on our bottoms; skewered, stuck on the “ick” stick. As harsh as it sounds, some of my best advice to foster kids living in the blue zone, was “get over it.” Foster parenting taught me a very important lesson: some things you just can’t “fix.” But you can always make do, change your feelings, think it “better.” No one can “make it better,” until they “think it better.” I went into foster parenting packing an entirely different goal than the one I carried years later, and at the end. No cures offered, just teach them to cope. Let time help out, live today.

I wonder, though, had I not introduced that activity to our family, perhaps we would not have had to cope with so much, ourselves. Was it fair to my kids? Did we bottom out too often?

On the flip side, foster parenting showed us life at it’s worst and best. I learned misery is part of the people in the house next door, that hungry children are in our own town, that the smiling man or woman, may not be what they seem. We learned to reach out, to think and work on a worthy cause. We learned to give until it hurts, and to love ourselves, to be grateful.

We learned that God doesn’t fix all families all the time, sometimes it’s left up to us, and He’ll help along the way. I learned that we couldn’t say to the kids “God loves you” and expect it to be enough. If you don’t understand that, the next homeless person you see on the sidewalk, stop and tell them “God loves you” and walk away. Then, look back to see if their life is any different, yet. What, no miracle? I’m not being sacreligious, I’m being honest and real. When kids and families are on their bottom, you don’t have their back until you help their front. Meaning, food in their stomachs, safety in their day, happy experiences that put hope in their head. Happiness is a process, not an event. It involves you, me.

The love of God is action, not an instant cure for misery or tough times, it’s not passive or the mere saying of words to a person suffering, is not good enough. We learned to put charity in our actions; the kids weren’t interested in talk.

So, maybe foster parenting was a good thing, but it did kind of give me an attitude.

Mistake #4: Worrying about climbing the corporate ladder. Titles and careers are no longer on the front burner, I’ve found that responsibility never equals pay, stress never comes down from the top rung on the ladder, and co-workers will eat your lunch. Literally. So, just give me a job and send me a paycheck, then, with a smile, let me go home at 5.

Mistake #5: Spending too much time trying to “make it.” Riches are not required. I gave up on the lottery; my ship came in alright, but it was battered and leaking; making it is often just surviving the moment; if you can do it with a smile, you’ve graduated with high honors.

Mistake #6: Expecting order. It’s not always possible to put chaos to order, especially in the life of another (our own?). When I found the cat in the refrigerator, molasses in the dryer, red fingernail polish all over my kids and the dog having been salt and peppered, I began to see it as enormously funny, even normal, though never preferred.

Finding a foster child peeing out of the upstairs window, I settled for helping foster kids cope instead of curing their ailments of the heart, (or mind?).

Mistake #7: Not saying “no.” Not putting myself first at least once in a while. It’s ok to say no. Now I know the value of me. I work, I play, I write. I am. Many years, I was someone else. Definitely I was on call. I’m learning to sleep.

Life learned: I must like life all mixed up, I’m surrounded by chaos so often it has become welcomed. I value odd things, one of which is my love of the craziest dog. He’s the most expensive dog in the world, as no one could buy him. This mixed up heinz 57 baby, is smarter than a thoroughbred (with the exception of my mom’s Guide Dog, but he’s a close second). I find myself minding the dog, and it’s a good life.

If you’re worried, if you’ve hit your bottom, I hope my ramblings have helped you, I hope I “had your back.” Be your own best friend, do the right thing, take care of yourself and those you love, concentrate on the important happenings. Be a good citizen, love your fellow man in spite of differences. If you believe in God, know that He’s there, life is ok. We can’t do it all, that’s His job. I gladly leave it to Him. I make enough messes.

I’m not pushing “pre-destination.” I know we have choices on much of our life within certain boundaries. I am saying that we should focus on the can-dos, the must-dos. We are accountable, expected to use our intelligence for the good of ourselves and others.

Hell happens, the door out of hell is not always quick or easy, but it is there. Help yourself, help your neighbor. Not being able to do it all, doesn’t mean we should do nothing. We can do one thing. Everyday, we can do one thing. And, we must.

When you hit your bottom, who has your back? I hope I did, for awhile, today. Often, it’s none other than you. You can do it.

I am Marisue, and I write, even on my bottom.

The end. (This blog also posted by me here.)

When you can’t swim, FLOAT!  Don’t panic, tell yourself things are ok if you take action.  Get back to basics!  The ABC’s of living happily and healthily are not that far away.  These are “can do’s” that will make you feel better, today. We’re all worried about today, and tomorrow.  [...]]]> Money Going Down The Drain?

When you can’t swim, FLOAT!  Don’t panic, tell yourself things are ok if you take action.  Get back to basics!  The ABC’s of living happily and healthily are not that far away.  These are “can do’s” that will make you feel better, today. We’re all worried about today, and tomorrow.  How will we pay the bills?  How can we buy food, gas, and make payments that keep us going, when cash is at risk?

Tell yourself to be calm, you can make many changes in your life that will help you feel more in charge, save some money by cutting expenses with wiser living, and getting back to basics in entertainment and daily life.

Simple actions will help increase your confidence enormously.

Becoming worried and a bit discouraged, I relied on what always helps me to feel encouraged, I cleaned house.  I mean, really cleaned.  Dig deep!  Go through drawers, papers, photo boxes, storage, and think “eliminate!”

Here’s what I discovered:

• I found that I had items all over the house that could be sold at a garage sale or flea markets.  How many knick knacks do you really need?  Turn things to cash!
• I had more clothes than I needed.  I made four piles: Keep, Repair, Donate, Pitch.
• Cleaning out my pantry, I found that our food storage was well stocked on some canned and packaged items, but did not have enough of others, so I made a list of items that would put us at least 4 months ahead on food.  I moved older sugar, pasta, and crackers to the front.
• Shop sales! It might be worth the gas, if your stores are not that far apart!  Taking advantage of a grocer’s reduced prices on items you’ll eat is highly recommended. Caution: Think about whether it’s more important to have the extra food, or the cash in your pocket.  You don’t want to be food rich, and find yourself without gas to get to work.
• My kitchen cabinets had become cluttered, so what couldn’t be sold, given to the kids, or donated was thrown away.  “Be Brutal” is the motto!  Old plastic cups were tossed, odd plates will be sold, old silverware discarded.
• I stacked magazines for some extra reading time.
• I discovered many books that are in great condition and will be donated to the library.  At a sale, they hardly bring even 25 cents, and for me, are far to heavy to cart back and forth.  I’d rather donate them or give them to friends.  In my office, I made a box that has a sign, “free books make great Christmas gifts!” and decided to keep a few to give to my own friends for Christmas.
• Clean newspapers are now in a box for many uses, including eliminating the need for paper towels.
• We decided to reduce our TV bill to the basic programming.
• We took a look at our cell phone plans to make sure they weren’t over-stuffed with minutes.

I’m sure we will discover many other things we can either do without, or sell for a bit of “gas money.”  If you’re not one to buy ahead, think about changing that habit.  The shelves in the store can quickly become empty during a time of crisis, and we are headed for some of those days.  You have no need for fear, if you’re prepared!

Here are 14 Confidence Gaining Tips for helping you feel more secure in today’s insecure times:

1. Decide to make a plan, first alone or with your spouse, then include the family.  Think about what you want to do and what you can do, before you call in the entire family; that way you will sound confident.
2. Write down your net income.
3. Find out what you are spending on everything.  This may take some time, save every receipt in the meantime.
4. Decide you can trim back in many places and still have a life.  Be brutal, but be fair and sensible.  Scale down your cable bill, maybe taking out game and movie channels, cut back on phones, clothing expenses, and yes, even food.  I was shocked to discover that we were throwing away more than we were eating.  We were also buying food we did not eat or want.  There are many healthy choices for the family table without spending  more than you have to.  By eliminating eating out, creatively using leftovers such as making a soup at the end of the week, you can “find” new money!!
5. Take inventory all throughout the house.  Kitchen, food pantry, spice cabinet, bedrooms, closets, even the bathroom!  What can be sold at a garage sale? What can you incorporate into your daily needs that you may not have known you even had?   Take the time to do this right; don’t panic, but move steadily towards eliminating junk.  Write down all the extras you have of what you need.  (When I looked in my pantry for compiling a written inventory, I discovered I had about 6 months worth of pasta!  Add some sauce and less meat than you think, and you’ve got lots of meals!)
6. Use clean newspaper instead of paper towels.  It’s great to drain greasy food or clean glass, etc.  (Look up the many ways to use newspaper!)
7. Don’t spend.  Just quit shopping for gifts, extras.  Not spending sends a powerful message to your attitude.  Everyday, you will see that you saved money and made progress on your goals.  Make homemade treats to give away, or trade off “favors” to let people know you care.  See how long you can go without using cash or your credit cards or debit card.
8. Barter. Think:  “I can give you my extra sugar and flour, can you give me your extra cans or fresh green beans?”   or “I’ll babysit for you Wednesday, can you take me to the store Thursday?” (I’ve done both of these, and a neighborhood or family bartering system can actually be quite fun.)
9. Vow not to waste any food, or anything else, but start with food. Save bread crumbs in the sack for sprinkling on casseroles or adding to a meat loaf, save cookie crumbles for ice cream or pudding toppers, save cornbread, or bread slices for dressing, freeze tomatoes that are overriped for soups and cooking, think before you toss!
10. Be a saver.  I’ve used plastic bags for trash liner, or drawer liners.  Looking for ways to re-use and re-cycle is very interesting and rewarding.  Much information is available online!
11. Have a meeting with family and friends and brainstorm ways to change your daily living habits; many will have great stories from their past, you will be surprised what you can do, without spending!
12. Don’t eat out, it’s not up to you to support your local restaurant.  (Unless you own it…that’s a different subject.)
13. Don’t hire someone to do what you can do for yourself.
14. Toss your pocket change into a jar every day.  At the end of the month, put it on a bill, or treat yourself to an inexpensive night out.  Just “make it count!”

Bonus: Holiday gift giving does not need to be flashy or costly.  Let your family and friends know that this year is one of concentrating on what we already have.  Talk with them about making your gifts those of “time,” instead of “things.”  Together, you just might come up with some great ideas!

I realize that an economy depends on people spending money.  Don’t worry about that.  You will be doing your part by purchasing the items you actually need.  That’s what getting back to basics means.  It’s time to think about you and your budget, survival and happiness.  You pay attention to and write your financial plan!  You can’t save the world, but you can make a huge impact on YOUR WORLD.

The input of your family is vital, yet this process should not be entirely democratic.  Quit worrying about disappointing your kids, or providing for every want.  This is serious, times are difficult, money is important and scarce, and the kids will become stronger by living “wiser.”

Kids are resilient!  It’s ok for teens to work, younger kids to make their own fun, help out with chores, do the lawn.  Get going, parents!  You can do this!  Be in control, be calm and determined.

Here are some ABC’s of Happy Living:

• A – Act  with Assertiveness!  Don’t wiggle weakly.
• B – Be Brave! Don’t wilt!
• C - Clear out Clutter! Don’t procrastinate living lean!
• D – Delight in the Daisies of Life!  Don’t neglect cost free Pleasure!
• E – Explore Everything! Don’t assume a solution can’t be found!
• F - Feed Friendships!  Don’t be too alone!
• G - Grow Gracefully! Don’t be afraid to accept change!
• H – Harvest Happiness!  Don’t neglect planning for it!
• I - Invest in Ice Cream! Don’t forget to spend occasionally on little things!
• J - Jump for Joy!  Don’t neglect the importance of energy!
• K - Keep Kissing! Don’t limit love!
• L - Laugh Lots!  Don’t forget to see the funny!
• M - Make Miracles! Don’t think miracles are that far away.
• N - Nurture Nature! Don’t forget to see what grows all around you.
• O - Opt for Optimism!  Don’t be a gloom and doomer.
• P - Praise People! Don’t criticize heavily.
• Q - Quit Quibbling! Don’t seek a fight.
• R - Relax Regularly! Don’t neglect the need for calm and rest.
• S - Seek Simplicity! Don’t be a complicator.
• T - Take Time! Don’t be in a hurry, slow down.
• U - Use an Umbrella!  Don’t forget to protect yourself by thinking ahead.
• V - Value Veggies!  Don’t eat things that are not good for your health.
• W - Welcome Wisdom!  Don’t be afraid to learn.
• X - Xceed Xpectations!  Don’t settle for minimum effort.
• Y - Yell Yes!  Don’t be vague.
• Z - ZZzzzzzz’s!  Don’t neglect your need for sleep.

The ABC’s of Happy Living will keep you anchored in secure feelings.  Make a plan!  Change and improve your plan when needed.  Call upon your family to help, state the situation in a positive light, and ask them to help clean up the house, the yard, the finances.

May life be easier, as you make wise decisions.  Be well.

I am Marisue, and I write.

What is the secret to finding contentment?  How do we reduce the stress in our life?  It’s a process, not an event.  Contentment is an art, a journey. 

Peace is [...]]]>

When is the last time you spent an evening at home, enjoying a simple meal and quiet activities?  How did it make you feel?  Do you crave peace? 

What is the secret to finding contentment?  How do we reduce the stress in our life?  It’s a process, not an event.  Contentment is an art, a journey. 

Peace is an internal feeling.  We all have the ability to call it forth, from our heart, no matter the outside circumstance.  If it were not so, if peace was always dependent on external events, we would be at a great loss.

Peace is a state of mind.  It is a practice, a habit we create and it builds great strength in the person who masters the art of contentment.

We have so many things that are good.  Even in loss, we can think about what we still hold dear.  When I lost my home to fire, I had memories of my possessions, I could re-build, I could begin again and do things differently.  I had my family, my children, my friends.  I could adopt new pets, and love again. 

It was painful.  We craved peace, and it was not easily found.  The fire set off a disasterous chain of events.  Every one of our cars broke down, and we had no money.  We wore other people’s clothing, sat on other people’s couches in a newly rented home that did not feel familiar.  Everything in it, had been someone else’s.  It was going to take time to create the “home” feeling.  We were frustrated, cried easily, argued. 

We were blessed in the middle of all of it by an opportunity to help someone else.  We had little, could we give?  We were soon tested.

Scraping together some change, we could give our kids a needed  break.  We found enough money to go to a nearby movie, so we loaded up and headed out, searching for a moment of distraction, a bit of fun.  First stop, was a taco meal.  We pulled into the fast food restaurant, and noticed a woman standing near our car.  By her side was a young girl, about 8 or 9 years old.

The young woman nodded to the little girl, and she approached us with her hand out.  “We need food.  Can you help us?”  I looked at Lynn and nodded, and then took our boys into the building.  Lynn came in and said, “She needs groceries, not a quick meal.” 

I said to him “We don’t have much money.”  I turned to the boys and said “What do you want to do?” 

They replied “We need to help them, Mom, they’re hungry.”

We counted out our money.  If we shared our taco meals, and went to the movie with no refreshments, we could give them $20.00.  It would feed them until Monday, when the young woman promised she’d go see about emergency food stamps. 

We’d be broke the rest of the week.  The boys still wanted to go to the show and after all we’d been through, we decided to do it.  Our house was filled with food, we’d make it.

The tacos were sweet and we ate them slowly.  Soberly, we drove to the movie, none remembered what we saw.  We were together; we’d given to another, we were content.

Walking back into the house, we gave each other the big “Alsobrook” hug, our traditional group embrace.  We held on for along time.  No real conversation was necessary; our hearts did the talking. 

“You passed the test.”  whispered the Spirit of Goodness.  “You had little and you gave more away.” 

I knew that woman was put there in that moment in time, by no accident.  Would another have helped her?  I don’t know. What did she really do with the money?  I don’t know, the choice was hers. 

 It was our moment, our time.  We gave and the blessing was contentment, not relief from our struggles; they were to go on for another few years. 

We only have moments to make a difference.  She gave us that blessing.

Our society is filled with seduction.  “Buy more, have bigger, this is not enough”  it whispers and yells at every turn. 

Find the contentment in the moments of life.  It is our choice. 

What will we choose? 

I am Marisue and I write.

What can we do?  We can quit taking it personally.  When we get angry, it’s our choice.  I know it doesn’t seem that way.  We’re not robots.  [...]]]>

“That’s where most criticism from others goes.  We hear the words, and even if we don’t believe it, the pain of what was said finds it’s way quickly to our heart.”

What can we do?  We can quit taking it personally.  When we get angry, it’s our choice.  I know it doesn’t seem that way.  We’re not robots.  Of course we react to “stimuli” and what people say, STIMULATES us. 

Even so, we can work on the way we react.  Eventually, we can fight off the pain and the responding anger or depression when we are being verbally attacked or criticized.

Most of the time, our pain is caused because we care about that person’s opinion of us.  We should rarely get upset at words of criticism from someone we don’t know.  However, even those words seem to have power. 

The media is full of strangers doing things to hurt and or kill over spoken words.  I always wonder, “Why couldn’t they just walk away?”  Simple solutions forgotten, in the heat of the moment, and then life is forever changed. 

Are we teaching the skill of protecting ourselves from undeserved criticism?  Do we have it ourselves?  Can we give examples of it to our kids?  How else will they be able to survive the hard knocks of life, if every negative word spoken by another hurts them?

We should be able to shield ourselves and our loved ones from what carelessness slips from the mouth of another. 

Would that it were easy.  The political war we see everyday is a “he said –  he said” battle.  But, no one can stop someone else from speaking what they will.  Yet, the way we respond might take away some of their power.

Keep your perspective.  If someone is “barking” in your direction, turn away with a mental smile.  Think of something that builds you up, such as a recent accomplishment.  Take away their power by putting your thoughts on the positive in your life.

If you have relationship with the one who is hurting you, let them know once you both are calm.  Otherwise, write it off. Blow it off.  Step out of it.  Put it behind you. 

Some battles are not worth fighting.  Frustrations are part of the day, and if they are a frequent part of your life, look in a different direction and see if you can walk that path.

for me,  time is too short to put up with frequent pain from someone who is near.  Quietly, firmly, ask them to “stop.” 

If they care, they will.  If they don’t, then you have other decisions to make, yes? 

May peace enter your place, is my wish for you and even myself, as we read and write about life’s journey.

Come back tomorrow, for more thoughts from the Writing Room,

Author’s Note:  If you are in an abused relationship, of course be very careful about using assertiveness, as it could increase your danger; please seek professional help for how to get to safety.

-I am Marisue, and I write.

The first introduction was as harsh as I ever want to know. A few months before mom lost her eyesight, someone tried to [...]]]> Fear Steps Back

Have you ever been afraid? I’ve met some people that say they’ve actually never felt deep fear. More than once, we’ve been introduced. It has come with different depths and none pleasant.

The first introduction was as harsh as I ever want to know. A few months before mom lost her eyesight, someone tried to break into our house. The scariest part for me, at age 12, was that “he” knew WE knew, he was trying to get in. He kept coming and did not appear to feel any of the fear that ate our skin.

Can you just imagine what he would have done, had he succeeded? I could even then, and now, with the years of life, I shiver to think. 1963 was an emotional, even violent time, politically. Mom wrote many letters to the editor, representatives, governors, and congress, gradually beginning to really tick some people off. They were powerful people I think, because for about 3 weeks or so…we were protected by the FBI.

I know that sounds incredible. For me, I found riding to school in a shiny “unnoticeable” big black car thrilling. I figured we had some strange uncles in the family, and didn’t give it much thought. Mom and Dad said to say relatives were visiting, and so that was the cover story. For a busy 12 year old, life continued. We lived in the land of odd, so this was just another day that gave us only a moment’s pause.

I never knew the real reason for the FBI to be hanging around, and we were so busy during the next few years trying to cope with Mom’s blindness, which followed this incident, that I didn’t question my parents about the “why.”

Again, that sounds wild, but if someone in your family loses their sight, I think you will then understand that everything else takes a back seat. We had new fears to fight.

The night that creeped me out, and caused me to be somewhat of a “scaredy cat” even now, is forever burned into my memory. After this night, the strange uncles arrived, and for awhile, we had lots of company. When both your parents have top secret clearances and work in the space program, you discover that Uncle Sam doesn’t like it’s people to be threatened.

Mom seemed normal to me. She had a lot of friends, but evidently could add at least one or one group of enemies to the list.

The day began as any other. When you think about it, a day dawns, and we never know it’s conclusion in advance. We take our safety and routine so much for granted, as the hands of the clock move. Life ticks by, and suddenly disaster claims who it will.

Late into the evening, Mom was typing in the dining room; I was reading, and Dad was gone on one of his rare camping trips. After this night, he never went on them again. As midnight approached, it was comforting to hear the click of the keyboard, and I soon fell asleep with my book on my chest.

“Marisue.”

Mom’s whisper jerked me awake. It was more of a shock than if she had shouted.

“MM? What?” I whispered back, sitting up with a start. Isn’t it strange how whispering is so instantly contagious? Someone can shout at me, and I don’t shout back necessarily, but whisper and I’m right there with imitation.

“Come with me, someone is trying to get into the house.” Mom always cut to the chase. No fake stuff. No build up.

“Ok.” She had my attention. This was right out of Nancy Drew. “What are we going to do?” Fear stabbed my stomach. I had never felt that kind of pain. Ok, exit Nancy Drew and enter Jack the Ripper.

We tiptoed into the dining room. Oh. Smart. Someone was jerking on the patio door which was IN THE DINING ROOM. Through the curtains, we could see a filmy shadow lit up by the outside street light. The only phone we had was on the counter, right by the patio door.

The shadow looked like a man. We had the impression of a big man, but couldn’t be sure. We both froze. I willed my legs to move, my voice to scream, my hand to find a weapon. No parts of me were listening. My mother must have been feeling something similar because the only part of her that turned was her head towards me when she heard me whisper “shit.” Well, at least I whispered.

Suddenly, she found her feet and leapt to the phone, reaching it through the kitchen opening to the counter. I have no idea how she got to the kitchen, since it was several feet away and I didn’t see her leave the room. Motions were jerky, as if we were seeing only every 3 or 4 seconds. My breath was coming in short gasps. I saw black dots, and wondered if I was going to fall down.

Just as she picked up the phone to dial the police – then you could do it by hitting O for operator – the “man” outside said clear as a bell “Don’t touch that phone.” I screamed. My voice had found it’s home. To hear that eerie, deep, raspy voice was the ugliest and scariest sound I ever heard. A mature, mean deep voice. It is carved into my mental auditory storage bin, though I’ve tried to dump it out for years.

Mom whispered into the phone and motioned me to come to her in the kitchen. That put the counter between us and the patio door. Her hands were on a long butcher knife as she pushed me behind her and gave the police our address. I did not feel better now that we were armed.

The side door to the house, our north door, jiggled. A few seconds later, the front door, suddenly seeming to be such a thin barrier, shook and the doorknob turned a bit. The door was supposed to be behind a locked screen but the knob jiggled, turning back and forth against the lock. I looked at Mom, she looked at me, and we both said “shhhh” to each other at the same time. I started to giggle and Mom put her hand over my mouth.

“Stop it. We will panic later.”

I stopped. Ok by me, I had plenty of panic to contribute. Fear stomped through my mouth, taking a slice at my dry tongue. Later, I discovered it had cracked. I can now say that I stuck my tongue out at a policeman when I was 12. When I complained it hurt, the officer wanted to see if I had bitten it. Once he saw the cracked tongue, he told me it was from the adrenalin in my system. It had happened to him before, too, he assured me, which made me feel very important to have an ailment that cops suffered from as well.

“Fear lands on everyone and especially the brave.” he informed. No wonder I married a cop 12 years later.

With a sharp cracking sound, the door bounced but remained shut. In the distance, police sirens pierced the night. We finally were able to open the door to the men in blue.

Since that night, I’ve always loved a man in uniform.

We don’t know who it was. He was never caught, and sometimes I wondered if it had been a dream. It had that quality of “out of body-ness.” The 3 weeks of FBI were certainly not a dream. I remember nice smiles, quiet adult talks I was forbidden to hear…though not from lack of trying. I even put the glass to the door. It yielded nothing but the roar of blood rushing through my own body. Movies are so fake.

From little snippets of this and that, I concluded that mom had made some political group really angry, with her preaching of rights for any color, anywhere, and they had threatened to kidnap her, and then “tar and feather” her. Gruesome thought. So, since she had knowledge of space secrets, (Area 51 maybe?) the FBI didn’t want her gone. Well, I’m glad because neither did we…and I especially didn’t want to go. I had a feeling “they” didn’t like kids.

Mom didn’t write letters for awhile, and I’ve always been cautious about making groups of people mad. I also don’t put much faith in re-assuring comments like “Oh, don’t be afraid, nothing will happen.” when people are trying to minimize something scarey.

I know things CAN happen. And, then I married a cop, and things DID happen.

So, last week, when the vandalism on our storage property occurred 50 – 100 yards away from my front door, in the form of 4 unit doors being kicked in, I had to think our front door could be next.

My husband, being the wise man he is, knew that a casual, “Oh, we’ll be ok.” wasn’t going to cut the mustard with me. Our company approved a storm door and the door was purchased and installed on my birthday.

I feel more comfortable about reaching my next.

Maybe it’s just kids, but just kids hurt people everyday. First, “they” just cut through the fence 2 or 3 times a week. Now, they kicked in doors. I’m not really good with logic, but it’s simple thought process that our apartment or the office door could be next.

So, fear takes the back seat. I have another layer of protection, against a sometimes not so nice world.

I am Marisue, and I write.

—–

I first published this article on HubPages.com.

I could no more stop writing, then I could stop the breath that fills my lungs. As I long for air, I long for the telling of the day.

As I am surrounded by life, I find the air to be alive with adventure, full of all emotions…a tangle of the plain and simple, [...]]]> It Is Me…Inside Out

I could no more stop writing, then I could stop the breath that fills my lungs. As I long for air, I long for the telling of the day.

As I am surrounded by life, I find the air to be alive with adventure, full of all emotions…a tangle of the plain and simple, or the tragic and painful. Questions fill my heart and mind.

On any day, we find ourselves in the middle, at the door of begin, or teetering on the edge of end. We are touched by crisis, love, hate, pain, gain, sadness and joy. We are blasted with the opposites in all things. I seek understanding of it all.

I find it in the telling.

As I live, I am constantly striving to see the why, the how, the what’s next. I crave solutions, and the eradication of problems.

I find them in the telling.

I talk about my mother’s blindness, and I see. I tell of my dad’s sacrifice for others, and I witness purpose. I tell of a cop’s life, I see mine. I write about children, I feel the future. I talk of patriotism, I hunger for truth and peace. I discuss families, I reach for connections.

Writing gives me today, bridges yesterday, and touches tomorrow with a birth of wisdom. To experience, to know, to understand, is to write.

Then, once gain is felt, it must be shared to be of value. To write, is to share.

Any moment, of any day, I can not think of any incident that skips being written in my mind for a story, a lesson, a reason to continue in life.

To tell it, to write it down, to seek the humor, the why and why now, allows me, no causes me to continue my journey, and find the paths that join me with those who live.

If you and I walk together, so much greater is the joy.

I am Marisue, and I write.