I Run the Pentagon

Or Could…The Half Truth About Self Storage

I’m practicing for other secret work, too. I can’t reveal it yet, but soon, soon.

I know you’re not aware of it, but in the spirit of full disclosure, so popular in the Bush administration, I decided it was time to reveal just what kind of important work I do here in Florida. You may not realize it, but working in the storage business, has actually made us part of the Pentagon, incognito. Remember, you heard it first here. There will be a quiz later, so pay close attention.

On a daily basis,

• We have secrets. I can’t give you an example, because they’re secret.
• We are on 24 hour call. You can’t reach us, the number is secret, but be assured, we’re there.
• We operate through the use of secret security codes, (“M’am, did you press your number and then the pound or did you press the star first, then your number and then the pound, remembering not to include the numerous zeroes at the beginning of your number? What, I can’t hear you, you’ll have to turn off your motor!”)
• We have mysterious midnight visitors, (“Honey, I heard a noise.”)
• We possess great bravery, (“What do you mean you aren’t going out there in the dark? That’s where the noise is!”)
• Men and women in uniform frequent our facility, (Every 40 hour a week working person is allowed 5 uniforms: solid colors, which means no stripes, no flowers, no style, beige, blue, black, only. We must all look alike. It’s the rules. so sayeth the Manual.)
• Cops know just who and where we are, possessing great curiosity as to what our “containers” contain, (Recent question by a cop — he was in uniform so that’s how I knew– that popped in, and using great interrogation skills, asked “Are you taking in metal?” My answer: “Huh?” proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we have acquired all the intelligence of the Pentagon.)
• We frequently defuse explosives (or maybe that’s diffuse tempers, I get them confused: “Sir, please put down that stick, I’m sure I can unlock you at the gate. I’ve done this many times, uh – sir, Please do NOT kick the key pad, just give me one more minute. You’re going to do… what… to my… what? Sir! Don’t make me come down there!!”)
• We never tell anyone everything, (“Thank you for your rental.” — you’ll be sold in 35 days if you don’t pay. — “Please refer new customers.” — our business sucks — “Please don’t live in your unit.” — Air conditioned units are at the temperature of 80 degrees and the air does NOT move freely through the building. — “The potholes on the asphalt are on schedule to be repaired.” — and according to my records, have been for 18 years. — )
• We seldom tell anyone anything, and when we do tell anyone something, it’s never right; the real story has long since been forgotten, or buried… (To Corporate: “While doing a routine maintenance check we discovered a wall behind this unit, that led to another unit that had things in it and hasn’t been opened for years, if the dirt is any indication. …I don’t know, sir, the previous manager has passed away. …We don’t know what’s in the containers. …I’d rather not open them without a witness. …No there’s no odor, but after all these years, there wouldn’t be, would there? …Send it to the landfill? …No, I don’t think there’s a ….Cadavers as in more than one, …no, …am I sure? …Uh, … hello, sir?” The unit is once again sealed, for the next manager to solve. I told you we had secrets.)
• We make excuses for everything and wag the dog by making you think you want that garage cleaned out, you NEED the empty space we are selling, space that you already have under your bed, or in your trunk, or would have, if you purged your clutter. In that way, like the vampirish Pentagon, we suck your blood and create need.
• We are always investigating the public for new blood which are often referred to as customers — our code word for “suckers.”
• In case of severe weather, we have an evacuation plan that is by habit, implemented too late to be of any use or to save anyone’s possessions. Once again, having learned everything we know from FEMA, we are not to blame.
• We are not responsible. In fact, like the Pentagon, we never claim responsibility for any person, thing or loss proving once again, it’s always your fault. Quit being a nation of whiney babies. Has Phil Gramm not taught you anything?
• We spend hours, days and even weeks writing reports about who called, who started to call, who called but then hung up, who would have called if they had answered our ad, who’s going to probably call tomorrow.
• We further report the number of walk ins, how they found us on this off beaten path, chosen only by a person of high intelligence who prided themselves on totally ignoring the theory of “location, location, location.”
• We frequently report about why we didn’t complete the above reports.
• We report on cancelled transactions, credits made, unrentable spots, complimentary spots, break ins and attempted break ins, and possible future break ins, overtime and why we worked it, and then why we worked it when we knew it’s not allowed, equipment that breaks down and how it broke such as: “I was changing a light bulb, standing on a un-regulation-approved 4 foot ladder, turned my head to answer the third dumb question by my wife who insists she’s actually the boss, when my elbow carelessly and without any help from me, hit the globe which then fell to the floor bursting into 8 million pieces, causing me to walk on the counter to get to safety. I now need a new credit card machine that was accidentally knocked off by my foot as I walked on the counter getting to safety caused by the fact that I was standing on an un-regulated ladder….oh, I said that part already, it’s so hard to tell where the report is supposed to end.”
• “We maintain a secure property, and yes, the fence has always looked like that.”
• “Our roof does not leak, and I don’t know what those copper streaks are from the ceiling down, please move right along down the hall, quickly now, follow me.”
• We inform customers of all the rules: “1.) You may not store anything explosive, rusty, moldy, or that will spoil. Yes, that includes your mother-in-law. 2.) Your pets must be on a leash, but your children can run free and wild. If they pee or poop on the property, please pick up after them. The pets, not the kids, or well, …both. 3.) You may not store anything too valuable, such as your Rembrandt and no, I don’t mean the toothpaste. 4.) Hairspray is ok, and yes, I know it can explode. It’s not on the forbidden list. 5.) Please do not use the dumpster and that includes anything you might be tempted to lean up against the dumpster. What goes in the unit, you must take out of the unit. 6.) Please provide us with a physical address. What do you mean, what do I mean?? In other words, where do you sleep? No, not ‘who‘ do you sleep with, WHERE! …You know sir, I can probably just skip this part.”
• We pride ourselves on giving great customer service, despite the sign on our apartment door that says “Please don’t knock.”
• We answer all calls, except the ones the answering machine picks up.
• We would answer more calls if it we were not so busy performing all the tasks listed above. For a complete list of the above tasks, please call for an appointment.

When you call for that appointment, please speak slowly and carefully as the Pentagon monitors all calls from all places at all times. Those are not stars you see at night, they are satellites.

Please come back soon, I am working on more revelations. If you need assistance, dial someone who cares. Most days, it’s not us.

And, finally, please do NOT believe this lie I have just told you.

If you are my boss and readiing this, Please remember: I LOVE my job and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

I am Marisue, and I write.

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I first published this article on HubPages.com.